Priya’s individual position statement, written privately with Mediator.ai. See the full example for context.
What’s happening
Ben and I put in an offer two weeks ago, it was accepted, and we’re closing May 29. We still haven’t settled how we’re going to own the house.
I’m contributing $54,000 to the down payment, which is all of my savings. Every dollar. Ben is contributing $126,000, which is more than double what I have but less than half of what he’s saved over his career. I want to be honest about both of those facts.
Where I’m at
I love Ben. I want to buy a house with him. I’ve also been thinking about this for months, and I want to name some things he hasn’t:
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Contributing all of my savings is not the same as him contributing a fraction of his. I’m going to close on this house with an emergency fund of about $2,000. He’ll close with something closer to $200,000 remaining. On paper the down payment is 70/30. On the “what would it cost you to walk away” axis, we’re more like 100/20.
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Our income gap isn’t just about fields. I’ve paid more of our shared-life costs than he realizes because he always “covers” big things and I cover the day-to-day: groceries, pet vet bills, utilities I’ve put on my card for the last year. I’m not going to make this argument formally. I just want it acknowledged before we start from “you put in 70%.”
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I am genuinely more vulnerable here. If we break up in year two, he loses a down-payment sized chunk of equity. I lose my entire safety net.
What I want
- An ownership structure that isn’t just “70/30, then track mortgage payments.” I’m worried about formulas that look fair on a spreadsheet and aren’t fair in practice. I’m open to something close to that, but I want to talk about it with my eyes open.
- A buyout mechanism I can actually execute. If we break up, and Ben wants to keep the house, fine, but I’d like protection that says he either buys me out within 6 months (at a fair valuation) or we sell. I don’t want to be stuck as his co-owner while he decides.
- A clause about what happens if I take maternity leave. If we have kids and I’m the one home with a baby, I don’t want my “share” frozen at the moment I stepped away from the mortgage. Ben has said he’s on board with this; I want it in writing.
- Some version of an emergency reserve carve-out for me. If we close with me at zero savings, I’d like us to jointly top up my emergency fund to $10k before we start tracking mortgage payments proportionally. Call it a pre-condition to everything else. It’s a small number relative to the purchase, and it lets me breathe.
What I’m willing to do
- Start equity at something close to 70/30. I’m not asking to pretend we contributed equally.
- Pay a proportional share of the mortgage going forward, based on income rather than 50/50. My share should grow as I get raises.
- Sign a formal agreement. Honestly, I’d prefer it. I’ve been avoiding bringing it up because I thought Ben would read it as distrustful. I don’t think he’s going to.
What I’m not willing to do
- Close with no savings and no safety net. That’s too exposed.
- Accept an arrangement where a break-up forces me to sell my equity at whatever Ben decides it’s worth.
- Pretend that “contribution” and “contribution as a percentage of what you have” are the same number.
What I’m afraid of
- That Ben will propose something reasonable-sounding that quietly assumes my vulnerability doesn’t count.
- That I’ll agree because I don’t want to “make it weird” and then spend four years resenting it.
- That we’ll take so long figuring this out that closing happens with nothing signed.
What a good outcome looks like
An agreement that names my exposure honestly and protects against the scenarios that scare me (breakup, parenting, emergency). That starts equity proportional to contribution but doesn’t lock it there. That says in plain words what each of us has put in, what each of us is committing to, and what happens if things go sideways. One we both feel good about signing.